There’s a superhero watching over us. His feats mostly take place under the skies of Mexico and Venezuela, but when needed, he knows how to venture far beyond his usual domain—so much so that he recently covered himself in glory in Albania. His name is Alessandro Riguccini, his nickname is “Rognoso” (“Grumpy”), and since he just became the new WBA Interim Champion, we’ve decided to reveal the superpowers he has used during his exploits—and the ones that have been used against him by his wicked enemies.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Juan Antonio Rios: The Sport Switch Spell
Imagine training for months in preparation for a sporting competition, only to find yourself suddenly forced to compete in a completely different sport. That’s what happened to poor Rios, who, thanks to a powerful spell cast by Riguccini, was unknowingly dragged into a game of light contact boxing as soon as the first bell rang. For two rounds, the Mexican stood bewildered while he and his opponent traded friendly little taps that wouldn’t have harmed a fly. In the end, the confusion was so overwhelming that he clumsily collapsed against the ropes, while our hero rained punches on him and secured the win.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Edgar Puerta: The Piercing Punches
Unfortunately, many of Riguccini’s opponents also possess superpowers. Mexican fighter Edgar Puerta, for instance, throws punches that can pierce through the target and penetrate deep inside. In the first round of their match, Riguccini believed he had blocked one of Puerta’s uppercuts with his right elbow, only to suddenly feel a sharp pain in his liver that sent him to the canvas. The replay clearly shows the blow landing on his arm—proof that Puerta had cruelly activated his special power. Thankfully, our hero got back up and avenged himself in the following round.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Ivan Alvarez I: The Paralysing Force Field
In front of his home crowd in Florence, after trapping a clearly struggling Alvarez on the ropes, Riguccini unleashed an impressive flurry of about thirty consecutive punches. A naïve spectator, watching the replay, might be puzzled to see that the vast majority of those punches missed, even though Alvarez was as still as a statue. But the truth is that by slicing through the air with his fists, Riguccini was generating a paralysing force field that shut down his opponent’s vital functions. At that point, a simple body shot was enough to drop him lifeless to the canvas.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Juan Ruiz: The Hypnotic Gaze
Juan Ruiz was a dangerous fighter, but Riguccini quickly established eye contact and hypnotised him, stopping him from letting loose. For three rounds, the two circled the ring staring into each other’s eyes, while the crowd in Cancun, unable to appreciate the miracle unfolding before them, booed and complained. Our hero lost focus for just a moment, and a jab from Ruiz knocked out his mouthguard. Fortunately, Riguccini hypnotised him again soon after, and eventually the Venezuelan retired due to pain in his side—perhaps from eating too much spicy food.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Ivan Alvarez II: Invisibility and the Defiance of Physics
To escape the wrath of the fierce Alvarez in their highly anticipated rematch, Riguccini had to resort to two superpowers in rapid succession. First, he made himself invisible, causing his opponent to miss by nearly half a meter with his right hand. A moment later, he defied the laws of physics, making Alvarez fall forward, face-first, after grazing him with a straight right to the body. An action so unusual that scientists around the world are still studying it today.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Johan Perez: clairvoyance
Perez was a very dangerous opponent, especially because of his ability to foresee the future. At the start of the second round, the Venezuelan already knew what was coming: he rushed to the center of the ring and bent to his side a fraction of a second before Riguccini’s infamous body uppercut came crashing down on him. Of course, stepping back or protecting himself better with his elbow would have been smarter moves, but Perez’s favorite song is “Samarcanda” by Roberto Vecchioni—he knows there is no escaping fate.
Alessandro Riguccini vs Jesus Correa: joint lock
And here we are, in the present day. Correa had both height and reach advantage and, in theory, could have kept Riguccini at bay with his long limbs. But five days ago, the Venezuelan found himself up against one of Rognoso’s many superpowers: the joint lock. His elbows suddenly jammed, and Correa was never able to fully extend his arms. Riguccini had an easy time trapping him on the ropes and knocking him out.
The chameleonic weight swings
Most top-level boxers settle into a weight class and stay there as long as possible. But Riguccini isn’t like the others: to protect humanity, he must adapt to his most dangerous foes. At the start of 2017, he was a welterweight. Then, in just three weeks, he lost five kilos and turned into a lightweight. He stayed in that division for a month and a half, then bulked up like the Hulk and became a super welterweight. After further shifts between welter and super welter, he underwent one final transformation: at the age of 36, our hero lost six kilos in six months—the super lightweight division was awaiting his talent.
A necessary hero?
I know exactly what you’re thinking at this point in the article. You readers are wondering if we really need this superhero. A doubt has crept into your mind—maybe, with a bit of luck, our lives as boxing fans would have gone on just fine even without the legendary feats of Alessandro Riguccini. And to be perfectly honest, you’re right.
But I invite you to pause and reflect for a moment. For years, we’ve let our sport sink deeper and deeper, closing our eyes to the blows dealt to its credibility and prestige from every side.
We’ve accepted home-cooked decisions, careers built on paper, and the political games of the most powerful promoters. We’ve turned a blind eye to the unchecked proliferation of cardboard belts, to rankings put together with the same scientific rigor a drunkard uses to organize his thoughts, and to ringside doctors who stop fights for harmless cuts or let boxers continue even when their faces look like they’ve been through a meat grinder—depending, of course, on the organizer’s interests.
We’ve handed the spotlight to circus acts, leaving far more talented athletes in the shadows—fighters who get their faces smashed in for a pittance. With a few praiseworthy exceptions, preaching in the wilderness like modern Don Quixotes, we’ve traded our ethics and dignity for a bit of sunlight, a press pass, a pat on the back, or thirty pieces of silver.
So can we really be surprised if certain characters rise and thrive in the world we’ve helped build? As I said, you’re right: Alessandro Riguccini probably isn’t the hero we need. But he is the one we deserve.